No More Crumbs
Forty years earlier, eleven-year-old Debbie had come home from school to an empty house. Her dad was in Viet Nam and her mom had disappeared with all her belongings. No note. No money. Nada. Just an empty house. Devastated, Debbie felt she wasn’t perfect enough to be worthy of her mother’s love. While sitting on that bathroom floor, she realized that in order to live a different life, she needed to understand why. Why was she putting herself at risk by making bad choices? She knew the journey wasn’t going to be easy. She accepted that she would make mistakes, get discouraged, and bad stuff might happen. But Debbie understood her superpower.
She was a survivor. She had grit. And she was willing to do the work.
Getting Clear
Debbie wanted to know why she was settling for the crumbs. Her grandparents, the default caregivers, demanded that she and her brother be grateful for what they were given and not ask for anything more. They were not permitted to want anything, not permitted to claim what they needed. As a young girl, Debbie learned that her needs were not important. Therapy helped her discover that she was surrounding herself with people she felt worthy of — the toxic ones. She was choosing to tolerate being criticized and belittled rather than risk abandonment. Gravitating toward the familiar because it felt comfortable. Smart and brutally honest, Debbie soon identified that she was the common denominator in her unhappiness. She was the one who allowed these people in her life. Once that penny dropped, Debbie went into overdrive, determined to discover her worth. She became an avid journaler and started experimenting with alternative methods of healing, such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Acupuncture, Yoga, and non-stop reading.
I’m Boss of Me
Journaling helped Debbie clarify who she wanted to be. She realized she had unconsciously absorbed the values of her parents, grandparents, and communities. Her struggle to make decisions was caused by the little voice inside whispering if I’m perfect, they won’t leave. She dug into why she allowed herself to be abused, used, and discounted. She became her own research project, using her love creative thinking, research and investigation. Scrutinizing her characteristics, she identified what she really wanted versus what she was willing to settle for, totolerate. Debbie accepted that growth happens in uncomfortable places. It doesn’t happen in the status quo. Once her moral compass was set, opportunities presented themselves to try on these new beliefs. And to practice. She still makes mistakes but the time it takes to correct the behavior has become much quicker. For example, if she raises her voice at her kids for whatever reason, instead of wallowing in the shame of having done that, she now circles back to them to say “hey, look, I lost my temper. That’s not aligned with my values. I want to do better. Here’s what I wish I had said.” She models healthy behavior for them and embraces it for herself.
Debbie has used her hardships and challenges as keys to find her self-worth and her wisdom.
And she has used D.R.E.A.M. to put wisdom in action. Not idle dreams like daydreams. D.R.E.A.M.
D.R.E.A.M.
D — Desire: What you need or want
R — Reflect: What you have learned, without the noise (the emotional baggage and supposed-
tos)
E — Explore: New information, opportunities, perspectives
A — Acknowledge: Hurdles, roadblocks, bad things happen, you make mistakes
M — Mantra: A saying, a prayer, a thought, something that sets the mood and encourages you
