My Personal—Professional Gap
During my last therapy session at Sierra Tucson Rehab Center in 2005, at fifty-five years old, my therapist placed a small turquoise rock in my hand. She smiled as she folded my fingers around my new talisman and said, “I want you to advocate for yourself as strongly as you advocate for others.” I was gobsmacked that she considered me a doormat! True, I was still stuck in my second unsatisfactory marriage and often felt sad and lonely, but hey, I was a successful entrepreneur who had retired at forty-nine. There was a deep and wide chasm between my personal self and professional self — I was not self-aware.
The Personal You, your inner self, reflects self-worth. The Professional You, your money- making self, influences your financial worth. But here's the thing about using achievement to cover up feelings of unworthiness: it's exhausting. No matter how much you accomplish, it's never quite enough to silence that voice that whispers, "Come on, you can do more.” The goalposts keep moving. The hamster wheel keeps spinning. And underneath all those impressive credentials, that wounded girl is still there, still believing she's not acceptable just as she is.
Eliminating the Noise
I was stunned to realize that a variety of myths, fears, and “supposed-tos” colored my self-image. My myths included the belief that others’ needs should come before my own, and that being recognized for achievement was bad—my mother had ingrained in me that the I in the middle of the word SIN is the biggest sin of all. Subconsciously, I was haunted by the fear that I wasn’t acceptable unless I was helping others. The main “supposed-to” that shackled me was that light should shine on everyone else—never on me. I was a master at deflecting praise.
My transformation didn't happen overnight. It took years of exploration and reflection, and quitefrankly, the writing of my book, The Magic of Yes. Researching the importance of saying “no” and setting boundaries helped me identify why I felt undeserving of praise. Eventually, I was able to accept that my worth isn't something I have to prove over and over again. By taking the time to reflect on my struggles, I discovered they were actually the keys to my wisdom.
Struggle to Strength
Overachieving fostered the discipline of relentless curiosity and a drive to acquire knowledge. When my only choice was to sit and reflect during the dark evenings without electricity in Ethiopia, I pondered the difference between achievement driven by fear and the sense of fulfillment that comes from observation and awareness. I realized that constant action drained me. Embracing self-awareness energized me.
Stepping Into the Elder Role
One of the scariest things I’ve done is to publicly claim the moniker, ‘wisdom elder.’ It is more comfortable to talk about accomplishments than to say, "I am wise. I can help you turn your struggles into strengths.” I won't pretend I've arrived at some enlightened state where I never struggle with self-worth. That would be a lie. Some days, the old voices still whisper. Sometimes, I catch myself measuring my value by my output (number of books sold) rather than by my being (embracing my wisdom-elder self). I’m still a work-in-progress.
My D.R.E.A.M. framework is not a blueprint that promises to fix you in five easy steps. It’s a model that helps you harvest and activate your wisdom.
D is for Desire—what do you need and want?
R is for Reflect—what do you already know that can help you? Be sure to eliminate the noise
(myths, fears, and “supposed-tos”).
E is for Explore—what more is available to learn?
A is for Acknowledge—you are resilient, but you might make mistakes, and life can be unfair.
M is for Mantra—a saying, prayer, something that will motivate and encourage you on your path.
My Wisdom Elder D.R.E.A.M.
Desire: Help others harvest their wisdom and find fulfillment.
Reflect: Everything I have learned — without the noise
Explore: How to amplify the message that each of us has wisdom ready to harvest and activate.
Acknowledge: Wise voices of all ages, skills, ethnicities, religions, societies, and cultures are
needed to step forward and collaborate.
Mantra:
Guide and protect us as we . . .
Seek knowledge with open minds.
Reflect on learning without bias.
Speak clearly and persuasively.
Give us strength to promote
Peace and understanding
In this fractured and hurting world.
If you're struggling with self-worth and have spent years trying to earn acceptance, understand this: Your struggles don't show you're broken. They form the foundation of your wisdom.
The question isn't whether you're acceptable—you already are.
The real question is: What will you do with the strength you've gained from facing challenges?
