Nine months after two teenagers hooked up, they became parents to an unwanted baby. Neither of them was interested or capable of nurturing or even being around their little one. This precious little girl, Lanaya, was programmed from birth that “no one was home for her.” The constant messaging she received was “you are not lovable, we wish you had never been born, you are wrecking our lives.” It didn’t take long for Lanaya to learn that she didn’t feel pain when she was numb. As soon as she could sniff out a bottle of booze or scrounge up drugs, this beautiful, tow-haired girl floated away in an alcoholic or drug-induced haze. By fourteen, she was passed out most of the time. And then, more trauma occurred, the terror of being raped by strangers — not once, but twice.
At nineteen, Lanaya stumbled into a women’s meeting at Chrysalis and heard about Alcoholics Anonymous AA1. Several of the women attended AA meetings and convinced her to tag along. For the first time, Lanaya met people who “saw” her and wanted her to speak. She responded to AA’s structured, supportive environment and felt comforted when members shared experiences and encouraged each other. She liked being held accountable, someone finally cared. Lanaya’s sense of identity began to emerge. Her door to self-awareness creaked open. Over the next 38 years, Lanaya became an integral part of the AA community. She belonged. She felt accepted, valued, and the kernels of self-worth started to grow.
Being sober didn’t make Lanaya’s life easy — but she was present, awake, and aware. She felt the pain of her unsatisfactory marriage and suffered profound grief when two of her infant sons died two weeks after birth from the same rare muscular skeletal disease. She struggled to find jobs that paid enough to support her kids. Difficult, heart-wrenching times, but she was present, available, and able to nurture and love her two surviving children. Even amidst the chaos, Lanaya became an inspiration to many recovering alcoholics in Minnesota and beyond. Her long-term sobriety was the success story. Well-known, respected, a sought-after mentor for new members. She considered herself bullet-proof. Life was difficult, but manageable. Until it wasn’t.
After 38 1⁄2 years of sobriety, her world collapsed — another messy divorce, no job, no money, no place to live. Seeking an escape from what felt like an unsolvable mess, Lanaya picked up her bass guitar and headed to the neighborhood bar, five nights a week. Staying hydrated while playing was important so why not have an occasional beer and a quick hit of pot between sets?
For sixteen months, the guru of AA, the inspirational paragon of sobriety, quietly, telling no one, numbed out again. Soon, the guilt of pretending to be someone she wasn’t, ground her down. It crushed her. The grief of losing almost four decades of sobriety was overwhelming. After sixteen months of secrecy, she stopped drinking and drugging and began to claw her way back. Lanaya started to unpack her feelings, her thoughts, and sift through the old programming.
Rewind. Unlearn. Relearn.
It took her four years to “out” herself to her children, friends and her local AA community. It was nine years before she had the courage to stand on stage at a major AA conference, acknowledge her feelings of humiliation and shame, and share her life changing discovery.
Lanaya talked about the liberating feeling of “Me being connected to Me.” She spends intentional time every day to connect with her higher power. She describes it as a two-way connection, a two-way street. She accesses, listens to, and then follows her inner voice. Lanaya insists that it is 100% infallible. She has conquered her fear by recognizing, processing, and stepping beyond her past. Lanaya, the person, is lovable, acceptable, and worthy. Her parents, in their youth, were not equipped to accept and love her. It was their inadequacies, not hers. Her real work involved not judging her feelings of being unacceptable and today, they no longer bind her. She is confident that she can handle whatever may come her way.
Wise Woman Words
“Face your past, process your feelings and own your failures. Surrender your ego, embrace vulnerability and seek help when needed. When you step beyond fear and allow the magic of yes to happen, it is possible to ‘belong to you.’”
— Lanaya Baker
