Pam’s fairy tale love story began one evening when she and her best friend, Linda, walked into a San Francisco fern bar (casual gathering spot in the 70s full of mismatched furnishings, an abundance of ferns and other plants, that served an eclectic array of cocktails). Linda was in the hunt for someone new and exciting and Pam agreed to tag along.
Serendipitously, Pam found herself sitting next to Louie, a 6’3” hunk who told her he loved to cook (forgot to mention no clean-up included) and read books that explored men being in touch with their “inner-female,” (but not a feminist)! A few days later, Louie stopped by wearing his Viking helmet with horns, revving his British racing-green BMW motorcycle. Pam, smitten by this hot, charming, handsome dude climbed on, wound her arms around his waist, closed her eyes, and held on.
For the next several years, Pam, like Peter Pan’s Wendy, wanted adventure and Louie was her mischievous and adventurous boy who refused to grow up. The fairy tale dimmed as the motorcycle slowly ran out of fairy dust gas, and their weekend trips to Neverland fizzled.
During the next ten years, Louie explored various careers (motorcycle repair, insurance adjuster, and real estate agent) and Pam worked as an advertising copywriter while taking classes to earn her special education teaching certificate. Working, going to school, juggling daycare for their son, and keeping the household afloat exhausted Pam. Louie continued to dream of fun things to do, but Pam hadn’t the time nor energy, and tension wrapped the house like a blanket of thick fog. Louie finally found another job as a claims adjuster, working from home. He convinced his manager that he needed an assistant to help with his workload.
Three weeks after their second little boy was born, Pam walked into Louie’s home office to find him and his helper locked in an embrace. Pam turned around, walked out, and erased what she had seen from her mind, unable to process Louie being unfaithful in front of her. Her interlude of denial imploded when Louie announced he was in love with his secretary and was moving out.
He made it clear that he wanted to actively co-parent their sons — but his “Wendy” needed to laugh at his jokes and be available for a lot of sex. Pam was left standing there, bereft on the doorstep, jiggling one baby on her hip, trying to sort out daycare for a five-year-old and a five-month-old infant, a forced sale of their debt-ridden house, with no savings as a backstop.
Pam managed, thanks to a kindly neighbor who took them in rent-free for a month and a best friend who helped her make the down payment on a condo. It was a long, tough slog. Pam was furious at Louie and devastated that her fairy-tale adventure had gone poof.
Pam had two paths she could travel. Traveling down Path #1 would allow her to savor her fury at Louie, resentment of the mediation lawyer who favored Louie, depression over the loss of her house, and fear of being the sole responsible parent for their two sons. That fury could have dominated her thoughts, impaired her ability to make decisions, elevated her heart rate, and flooded her with anxiety and depression. Instead, Pam chose Path #2.
She converted that fury into momentum that propelled her growth and she was able to discover her essence — a strong, resilient, capable, and fun woman.
A few years later, Louie remarried and instead of continuing to verbally abuse Pam, he began to treat her with respect. Time passed, and with therapy and intentional work to forgive, Pam let go of the anger she harbored towards Louie, acknowledged and reframed her negative feelings, and redirected her energy to allow space for understanding.
This transition was not easy. It was painful, bumpy, and difficult. Pam took what had happened seriously and did not minimize it — but drew out the sting and didn’t allow the memory to poison her existence. Pam was able to drop her emotional baggage and never picked it back up. She did not allow Louie’s past behavior to spoil her future. In fact, Pam and Louie formed a friendship that continued to deepen over the years. It wasn’t long before Pam, the boys, Louie and his new wife, Mary Ann, started celebrating holidays together.
Today, Pam thoroughly enjoys life. She has illustrated and published children's books, is a well- respected poet, a successful artist, and still helps out as a special education teacher. When Louie suddenly passed away several years ago, the first person Mary Ann called was Pam.
