Joan started by saying, “The debate continues. We have been taught to believe nature vs. nurture has been the cause and effect of choices. Now, a highly-regarded neuroendocrinology expert, Robert Sapolsky, disputes that. He believes there is no such thing as free will. His argument is based on causal determinism, which states that everything that happens results from prior causes.
He believes that our actions are determined by our biology, hormones, childhood, and life circumstances, which are all outside of our control.” Joan and the majority of her colleagues disagree. They recommend we think about people we know; those who appear to have been raised in families who provided safety, support, love, and nurturing and become criminals, drug addicts, and alcoholics. Most of us also know people who had abusive childhoods and/or relationships, experienced abandonment, or were neglected and are now pillars of communities, leaders of companies, and heroes.
“Quite frankly,” says Dr. Childs, “the wounds of childhood stay with us unless we do something about them. There is an innate human need to repeat the past. To grow and thrive, that trajectory needs to be interrupted. Individuals must consciously choose to face their demons, confront their past, nurture their inner child, shed their emotional baggage, and move on. The possibility of change is there — but it takes courage, commitment, and determination to travel the path of healing.”
Ok, I get that, but aren’t there a zillion permutations?
Joan smiled, shook her head, and told me the horrific story of Isabelle and her sisters. From early childhood, the three girls were used as their step-father’s sex toys. Isabelle remembers hearing his footsteps coming for her when she was only eight years old, knowing she was trapped with no one home to protect her. Their mother often left, knowing the girls would be defiled. Each of the three sisters was sexually abused, but Isabelle was her step-father’s chosen sex slave —chosen to be shared with his eight or more friends on the boat.
She was unable to escape his clutches until she left home to be married at eighteen. Although Isabelle struggled with abandonment issues, multiple failed relationships, and marriages, she became a successful lawyer and prosecutor and is now the mayor of a large city. One of her sisters became an alcoholic and drug addict, and the other committed suicide.
Three sisters. Same birth parents. Same household. One suicide. One alcoholic/addict. One Phoenix.
What made the difference? How was Isabelle able to rise from the ashes of abandonment, traumatic abuse, and neglect when one sister opted out and the other was barely hanging on?
Isabelle disassociated from her trauma. She intellectually knew and remembered the details but could bury the emotional consequences. She formed body armor, a survival suit that looked perfect on the outside but hid a frightened, wounded child inside. As she navigated the chaos of marriage, children, divorce, career changes, and more failed relationships, she grounded her sense of self-worth in her career.
The chasm between her professional and personal lives grew wider. She was happy and successful on the outside but lonely and empty on the inside. Isabelle was in her mid-fifties when she became familiar with the effects of complex PTSD. She learned about Joan’s work in a book and grabbed the phone to make an appointment. This career over-achiever had a new mission. She was going to discover her authentic self. She wanted to become the best version of herself she could be. She deserved to feel happy and yearned to find a sense of peace in her own skin. Isabelle vigorously committed to treatment, did the work, and learned how to heal her inner child. She was determined to discover and love her authentic self.
Today, Isabelle is whole, and she knows that she is worthy.
I asked Joan why Isabelle’s sisters weren’t able to do the same . . . “We really don’t know,” Joan replied. “It could be the way her brain is wired or her cognitive decision-making skills. After all, many of the factors influencing human choice are still a mystery.”
Yes, human choice is a complex, multi-faceted concept, but we are born with the innate ability to make choices. Each of us, with intention and determination, can transform our situation and become the architect of our own life. The D.R.E.A.M. activities suggested at the conclusion of The Magic of Yes chapter, “Winning with the Cards You’ve Been Dealt,” help you tap into the Power of Choice and Self-Determination.
Desire: Be the best version of me.
Reflect: on my strengths and identify which ones can be leveraged for good.
Explore: how I can use my experiences to create a better present and future for myself and others.
Acknowledge: that I have special talents available to use to reach my fullest potential.
Mantra:
Stand by me,
Hold my hand,
Open my eyes,
That I may clearly see
The goodness in me.
Choose to thrive and soar — Be a Phoenix!
